Scene 1:

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Welcome, welcome everyone to the 1st annual meeting of the Heroes and Villains. The goal of this meeting is to understand one another and make the world a more magical place.

​

SCAR (JOHN): We’ll see how that goes…

​

(EVERYONE murmurs and shushes. Villains are talking and heroes are shushing them)

​

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Anyway! Joining me as our mediators for this evening are Batman and Shrek.

​

(SHREK (AARON) and BATMAN (DAVID) wave)

​

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Well then, let’s just jump right in. The floor is yours. Would anyone like to start?

 

(awkward silence)

 

SHREK (AARON): Really, no one has anything that they want to complain about? I know someone has to have something!

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): Alright, fine. I’ll start. All I did was try to protect Rapunzel, but she betrayed me!

 

FLYNN RIDER (BILLY): Well, that’s not what Rapunzel told me…

 

BATMAN (DAVID): Why don’t you guys just show us what happened, then we can determine who was in the right and who was in the wrong…

 

FLYNN RIDER (BILLY): Go ahead, Blondie. Tell them what happened!

 

Scene 2:

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): This is it. This is a very big day, Pascal. I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to ask her.

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): RAPUNZEL! Let down your hair!

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): It's time. I know, I know. Come on, don't let her see you.

 

GASTON (JACKSON): Really? No stairs? That didn’t raise any concerns for you, Rapunzel.

 

FLYNN RIDER (BILLY): She was trapped there her whole life! She didn’t know any better.

 

SHREK (AARON): No one is ever gonna finish a story with all this interrupting…go on.

 

(She casts down her hair. Mother Gothel loosely ties it in a large loop and steps in it. Rapunzel pulls her up)

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): (Aside) So just pretend I pulled her up from the tower with my hair. (Back in character) Hi, welcome home, mother.

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): (Aside) So not important to the story, but I’ll go on. (Back in character) Oh, Rapunzel. How you manage to do that every single day without fail, it looks absolutely exhausting, darling.

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): Oh, it's nothing.

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): Then I don't know why it takes so long. (Laughs) Oh, darling. I'm just teasing.

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): All right...so, mother. As you know, tomorrow is a very big day.

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): Rapunzel, look at that mirror. I see a strong, confident, beautiful young lady. Oh look, you're here too! I'm just teasing, stop taking everything so seriously.

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): So, mother, earlier I was saying tomorrow’s a pretty big day, and you didn't really respond, So I'm just going to tell you. It's my birthday! TADA!

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): No, no, no can't be. I distinctly remember. Your birthday was last year.

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): That's the funny thing about birthdays. They're kind of an annual thing. And what I really want for this birthday. Actually, what I’ve wanted for...quite a few birthdays now...

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): Rapunzel, please, stop with the mumbling. It's very annoying. I'm just teasing, you're adorable I love you so much, darling.

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): Oh, I want to see the floating lights.

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): What?

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): Oh ... Well I was hoping you would take me to see the floating lights.

 

MOTHER GOTHEL (KATHRYN): Oh, you mean the stars.

 

RAPUNZEL (AHLEA): That's the thing, I've charted stars and they're always constant. But these appear every year on my birthday. And I can't help but feel that they're meant for me. I need to see them, Mother. I have to know what they are.

 

BATMAN (DAVID): Why do you heroes and villains think the only way to express yourself is through song?

 

SHREK (AARON): Yeah, because a hidden lair is a much better coping skill. Just play along, you’ll be fine.

 

Mother Knows Best:

Mother Gothel: You want to go outside? Why, Rapunzel...!

Look at you, as fragile as a flower

Still a little sapling, just a sprout

You know why we stay up in this tower

​

Rapunzel: I know but...

 

Mother Gothel: That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear

Guess I always knew this day was coming

Knew that soon you'd want to leave the nest

Soon, but not yet

 

Rapunzel: But --

 

Mother Gothel: Shh!

Trust me, pet

Mother knows best

 

Mother knows best

Listen to your mother

It's a scary world out there

 

Mother knows best

One way or another

Something will go wrong, I swear

 

Ruans, thugs

Poison ivy, quicksand

Cannibals and snakes

The plague

 

Rapunzel: No!

 

Mother Gothel: Yes!

 

Rapunzel: But --

 

Mother Gothel: Also large bugs

Men with pointy teeth, and

Stop, no more, you'll just upset me

 

Mother's right here

Mother will protect you

Darling, here's what I suggest

 

Skip the drama

Stay with mama

Mother knows best

 

Mother knows best

Take it from your mumsy

On your own, you won't survive

 

Sloppy, underdressed

Immature, clumsy

Please, they'll eat you up alive

 

Gullible, naÎve

Positively grubby

Ditzy and a bit, well, hmm vague

 

Plus, I believe

Gettin' kinda chubby

I'm just saying 'cause I wuv you

 

Mother understands

Mother's here to help you

All I have is one request

 

Rapunzel?

 

Rapunzel: Yes?

 

Mother Gothel: Don't ever ask to leave this tower again.

 

Rapunzel: Yes, Mother.

 

Mother Gothel: I love you very much, dear.

 

Rapunzel: I love you more.

 

Mother Gothel: I love you most.

 

Don't forget it

You'll regret it

Mother knows best

 

Scene 3:

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Great reenactment everyone, now let’s debrief.

 

ALADDIN (ELI): Wait, a child shouldn’t really want to escape their mother. All I ever wanted to do was make my mother proud.

 

JAFAR (CALEB): What do you know about making someone proud? All you do is steal.

 

JASMINE: I watched Aladdin give what little food he had to people who needed it. FAIRY

 

GODMOTHER (JESS): Aladdin, please, go on.

 

BATMAN (DAVID): Again, really?

 

SHREK (AARON): Yep, you guessed it.

 

Proud of Your Boy

Proud of your boy

I'll make you proud of your boy

Believe me, bad as I've been, Ma

You're in for a pleasant surprise

 

I've wasted time

I've wasted me

So say I'm slow for my age

A late bloomer, Okay, I agree

 

That I've been one rotten kid

Some son, some pride and some joy

But I'll get over these lousin' up

Messin' up, screwin' up times

 

You'll see, Ma, now comes the better part

Someone's gonna make good

Cross his stupid heart

Make good and finally make you

Proud of your boy

 

There's no good reason that you should believe me

Not yet, I know but

 

Someday and soon

I'll make you proud of your boy

Though I can't make myself taller

Or smarter or handsome or wise

 

I'll do my best, what else can I do ?

Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you

Mom, I will try to

Try hard to make you

Proud of your boy

 

Scene 4:

MOANA (MARABETH): Aladdin, I understand. I tried to make my family proud too, but sometimes a hero's calling is dierent than what their family wants.

​

GASTON (JACKSON): Typical hero, so full of themselves…

​

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): You’re one to talk, Gaston! Moana, the floor is yours.

 

Scene 5:

RIVER (ASH): Chief! There's something you need to see. Our traps in the east lagoon. They're pulling up less and less fish.

 

MOANA (MARABETH): Then we'll rotate the fishing ground. RIVER (ASH) We have, there's no fish.

 

MOANA (MARABETH): Oh... Then we'll fish on the far side of the island.

 

RIVER (ASH): We tried.

 

MOANA (MARABETH): The windward side?

 

RIVER (ASH): And the leeward side. The shallows, the channel. We tried the whole lagoon. They're just... gone.

 

CHIEF TUI (THOMAS): I will talk to the council. I'm sure we'll...

 

MOANA (MARABETH): What if... we fished beyond the reef?

 

CHIEF TUI (THOMAS): No one goes beyond the reef.

 

MOANA (MARABETH): But Dad!

 

CHIEF TUI (THOMAS): You’re endangering our people so that you can run right back to the water! Every time I think you're past this. No one goes beyond the reef!

 

(CHIEF TUI (THOMAS) exits)

 

SINA (ANYA): Well, it's not like you said it in front of your dad... standing on a boat.

 

MOANA (MARABETH): I didn't say "go beyond the reef" because I want to be on the ocean.

 

SINA (ANYA): But you still do. He's hard on you, because...

 

MOANA (MARABETH): Because he doesn't get me.

 

SINA (ANYA): Because he was you. Drawn to the ocean. He took a canoe, Moana. It was too dangerous and he almost didn’t make it back to shore. Sometimes, who we wish we were, what we wish we can do is just not meant to be.

 

Scene 6:

URSULA (EMILY T): Oh Moana, I never knew you were drawn to the sea. Come by sometime and we can make a deal.

 

ARIEL (LENA): Don’t fall for that! Her deals are never fair!

 

URSULA (EMILY T): Let’s not be dramatic dear, you got what you wanted in the end.

 

ARIEL (LENA): Not until after you stole my voice.

 

URSULA (EMILY T): An unfortunate means to an end…

 

BATMAN (DAVID): I feel like there’s a lot unsaid there.

 

SHREK (AARON): You know what would help with that…

 

BATMAN (DAVID): Let me guess, we break out into a song?

 

Poor Unfortunate Souls

Pathetic…

 

Poor unfortunate souls

In pain, in need

This one longing to be thinner

That one wants to get the girl

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed

 

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad, so true

They come flocking to my cauldron

Crying, "Spells, Ursula, please!"

And I help them!

Yes I do

 

Now it's happened once or twice

Someone couldn't pay the price

And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals

 

Yes I've had the odd complaint

But on the whole I've been a saint

To those poor unfortunate souls

 

You'll have your looks, your pretty face.

And don't underestimate the importance of body language, ha!

 

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber

They think a girl who gossips is a bore!

Yes on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word

And after all dear, what is idle prattle for?

 

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation

True gentlemen avoid it when they can

But they dote and swoon and fawn

On a lady who's withdrawn

It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man

 

Come on you poor unfortunate soul

Go ahead!

Make your choice!

 

I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day

It won't cost much

Just your voice!

 

You poor unfortunate soul

It's sad but true

If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet

You've got the pay the toll

Take a gulp and take a breath

And go ahead and sign the scroll

Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys

The boss is on a roll

 

This poor unfortunate soul

 

Scene 7:

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Alright, you all know the drill…who’s got something to…

 

URSULA (EMILY T): (interrupts Fairy Godmother) Before you go on, I would just like to say that I was getting revenge against King Triton for banishing me.

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): Ooo, ooo! Revenge! Now, that is something I can get behind. I wanted revenge on Pan for taking away my hand.

 

SHREK (AARON): Well, it was an alligator, but go for it I guess.

 

Scene 8:

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): Oh, Smee!  What a rogue and peasant Hook am I! Here I sit, stuck in Never Land, plotting revenge on that diabolic Peter Pan. Curse you, Pan!!

 

SMEE (KP): Feeling poetic, Cap’n?

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): Smee!  Bring me my map!  I must find Pan’s lair...this must be finished!

 

FLINT (AARANYA): Maybe his hideout’s in Mermaid’s lagoon? Perhaps in a cave above Cannibal Cove?

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): We’ve trawled the very depths of Mermaid’s Lagoon! We’ve dynamited every cave in Cannibal Cove!

 

FLINT (AARANYA): Maybe somewhere in Indian Territory?

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): No, no, no......ahah!  We must capture Tiger Lily!

 

FLINT (AARANYA): The ch-ch-chief’s daughter!?

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): If she won’t tell us, we’ll boil her in oil.

 

SMEE (KP): That ain’t good form, Cap’n.,that ain’t good form!

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): Blast good form! Did Pan show good form when he did this to me? (reveals his hook)

 

SMEE (KP): I thought you liked your hook!  For combing your hair. And scratching.

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): He threw my hand into the crocodile’s maw! And the beast has been licking his lips for the rest of me ever since!

 

SMEE (KP): But luckily, the croc also swallowed a clock, which gives us the tick-tock-tick-tock so we can get away before he reaches you. Why I can almost hear it now.

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): Oh no. The brute is here! Save me! Save me!!!!

 

SMEE (KP): You over there, what are you doing?

 

FLINT (AARANYA): I’m uh---just feeding the uh---pleasant creatures of the sea!

 

CAPTAIN HOOK (CHRISTOPHER): Not that one! Scoundrels, listen up!

 

Scene 9:

SHREK (AARON): Alright, I’ve heard enough of this revenge talk.! I’ve always been someone that people fear, and revenge wouldn’t help my case. Instead, I dreamed of being someone better.

 

SIMBA (DANNY): Well, what did you dream of being?

 

BATMAN (DAVID): Oh, no.

 

SHREK (AARON): Oh yes!

 

SIMBA (DANNY): You just have to embrace it!

 

Who I’d Be

Shrek:

I guess I'd be a hero, With sword and armor clashing

Looking semi dashing, A shield within my grip

Or else I'd be a Viking and live a life of daring

While smelling like a herring, upon a Viking ship.

 

I'd sail away, I'd see the world, I'd reach the farthest reaches

I'd feel the wind, I'd taste the salt and sea.

And maybe storm some beaches.

That's who I'd be. That's who I'd be.

 

Or I could be a poet and write a different story,

One that tells of glory, and wipes away the lies

And to the skies I'd throw it, the stars would do the telling

The moon would help with spelling, and night would dot the 'I's

 

I'd write a verse, Recite a joke, with wit and perfect timing.

I'd share my heart, confess the things I yearn, and do it all while rhyming

But we all learn. But we all learn.

 

An Ogre always hides, an Ogre's fate is known

And Ogre always stays in the dark and all alone

 

So yes I'd be a hero, and if my wish was granted

Life would be enchanted, or so the stories say.

Of course, I'd be a hero, and I would scale a tower

To save a hot-house flower, and carry her away

 

But standing guard would be a beast, I'd somehow overwhelm it,

I'd get the girl, I'd take my breath, and I'd remove my helmet.

 

We'd stand and stare, we'd speak of love, we'd feel the stars ascending

We'd share a kiss, I'd find my destiny

I'd have a hero's ending

 

A perfect happy ending.

 

That's how it would be

A big bright beautiful world

 

But not for me.

 

Fiona:

An ogre always hides. An ogre’s fate is known. An ogre always stays in the dark

 

Shrek (same time as Fiona's same line):

An ogre always stays in the dark

 

Donkey: You're all alone

 

Fiona:

All Alone

 

(All at the same time)

 

Shrek:

So yes, I'd be a hero, and if my wish was granted

My life would be enchanted or so the stories say.

Of course, I'd be a hero and I would scale a tower

To save a hot-house flower and carry her away!

 

Fiona:

And I know he’ll appear

Cause there are rules and there are strictures

I believe the story books I read by candlelight

 

Donkey:

All alone

You need a pal,

My calendar's open

You need me.

 

All:

A perfect happy ending, that's how.... it.. should be!

 

Scene 10:

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Shrek, that was beautiful. Truly so moving.

 

JOY (LYDIA): Yeah, Shrek, I think you might be onto something…

 

PORTIA (HALEY): Some of us just aren’t as fortunate as these heroes!

 

SHREK (AARON): Well, that’s not really what I meant

 

JOY (LYDIA): SOME of us don’t have princes that just fall right into our lap!

 

BATMAN (DAVID); I think you’re missing the point

 

PORTIA (HALEY): Not all of us can be as lovely as Cinderella.

 

SHREK (AARON): (To BATMAN (DAVID)) Were they even listening? (BATMAN (DAVID) shrugs their shoulders)

 

CINDERELLA (LAVENDER): Oh, here we go. I’m sorry the Prince chose me! But to be fair, you guys didn’t make it easy for me.

 

JOY (LYDIA): I still don’t get it. Why would a prince choose her over us?

 

PORTIA (HALEY): Yeah, what does she have that we don’t?

 

BATMAN (DAVID): (Excitedly) Song time!

 

SHREK (AARON): Now you’re getting it.

 

BATMAN (DAVID): (Seriously) Doesn’t mean I like it.

 

Stepsisters’ Lament

Joy:

Why would a fellow want a girl like her,

A frail and fluffy beauty?

Why can’t a fellow ever once prefer

A solid girl like me?

 

Portia:

She’s a frothy little bubble

With a flimsy kind of charm,

And with very little trouble

I could break her little arm!

 

Joy:

Oh, oh, why would a fellow want a girl like her,

So obviously unusual?

Why can’t a fellow ever once prefer

A usual girl like me?

 

Both:

Oh, why would a fellow want a girl like her,

A girl who’s merely lovely?

Why can’t a fellow ever once prefer

A girl who’s merely me?

 

What’s the matter with the man?

What’s the matter with the man?

What’s the matter with the man?

 

Scene 11:

PORTIA (HALEY): See? We didn’t stand a chance!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Wait just a minute! I’m with Shrek on this one. I think Cinderella is a great example of how we all can be great, despite the challenges we face.

 

ARIEL (LENA): Tell us Hercules, take us back to where you first became a hero!

 

Scene 12:

MEGARA (EMMA): Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Wha-what's wrong?

 

MEGARA (EMMA): Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're trapped!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Phil, come on!

 

(HERCULES (ZACHARY) and MEGARA (EMMA) go to where the boys are stuck)

 

PAIN (TODD): Help! I can't breathe!

 

PANIC (MATTHEW): We're suffocating!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Easy, fellas ... you'll be alright.

 

(HERCULES (ZACHARY) lifts the huge boulder over his head. e BOYS run out from under it and the crowd applaud lightly.)

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): How you boys doin'?

 

PANIC (MATTHEW): We're okay now!

 

PAIN (TODD): Jeepers, mister, you're really strong!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Well, just try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids?

 

PAIN (TODD) We sure will!

 

(they run up the mountain slope, where they find HADES (WILL).)

 

HADES (WILL): Stirring performance, boys. I was really moved.

 

PANIC (MATTHEW): "Jeepers, mister"?

 

PAIN (TODD): I was going for innocence.

 

HADES (WILL): And hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. What a dish. What a doll.

 

(Back down the mountain.)

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Phil! I did great. They even applauded -- sort of.

 

(they hear a deep, growling sound.)

 

PHIL (GABE): Huh ... I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause.

 

(then HYDRA appears.)

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Ph-Ph-Ph-Phil? What do you call that thing?

 

PHIL (GABE): Two words: am-scray!!

 

HADES (WILL): Let's get ready to rumble!

 

(HERCULES (ZACHARY) and the HYDRA start to fight, with PHIL (GABE) coaching from the side.)

 

PHIL (GABE): That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth. Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left! No ... your other left!

 

(then HYDRA falls)

 

Alright! Alright! You're bad! Okay!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): See, Phil? That -- that wasn't so hard. (He goes to put his sword back in its scabbard, but misses and falls to the ground.)

 

PHIL (GABE): Kid, kid, kid -- how many horns do ya see?

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY):  Six?

 

PHIL (GABE): Eh, close enough. Let's get ya cleaned up.

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Phil, you gotta admit ... that was pretty heroic.

 

PHIL (GABE): Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! Ya won by a landslide!

 

Scene 13:

JAFAR (CALEB): Easy for you to say Hercules, your dad is Zeus for god’s sake. Or, in this case, your dad’s sake.

 

GASTON (JACKSON): Yeah, but he didn’t have powers for most of his life, he had to discover them on his own.

 

ALADDIN (ELI): Wait a minute, did one of you just side with us?

 

FAIRY GODMOTHER (JESS): Look at this, all of us coming together and agreeing.

 

SCAR (JOHN): What I’ve gathered is that we all didn’t have the best circumstances to begin with.

 

CINDERELLA (LAVENDER): And we did what we thought was best.

 

JAFAR (CALEB): Maybe some of us could’ve handled things better. But what can we do now ?

 

SCAR (JOHN): How can we change who we are?

 

MEGARA (EMMA): We’ll help you.

 

CINDERELLA (LAVENDER): We can help you find the hero within.

 

HADES (WILL): But where do we begin? We’d have to start all over.

 

SIMBA (DANNY): Most of us start from scratch anyway.

 

CINDERELLA (LAVENDER): All you need is a sidekick to help you along. We can be your sidekicks just like we had our own!

 

HERCULES (ZACHARY): Mine definitely helped me become a hero when I started with nothing.

 

BATMAN (DAVID): (loud gasp) Shrek, I get it! They go from Zero to Hero!!

 

SHREK (AARON): See Batman, I knew you’d get on board.

 

Zero to Hero

Bless my soul

Herc was on a roll

Person of the week in every Greek opinion poll

What a pro

Herc could stop a show

Point him at a monster and you're talking SRO

He was a no one

A zero, zero

Now he's a honcho

He's a hero

Here was a kid with his act down pat

From zero to hero in no time flat

Zero to hero just like that

 

When he smiled

The girls went wild with

oohs and aahs

And they slapped his face

On every vase

(on every "vahse")

 

From appearance fees and royalties

Our Herc had cash to burn

Now nouveau riche and famous

He could tell you

What the Grecian's earn.

 

Say amen

There he goes again

Sweet and undefeated

And an awesome 10 for 10

Folks lined up

Just to watch him flex

And this perfect package

packed a pair of pretty pecs

 

Hercie, he comes

He sees, he conquers

Honey, the crowds were

Going bonkers

He showed the moxie, brains and spunk

From zero to hero a major hunk

Zero to hero and who'da thunk

 

Who put the glad in gladiator?

Hercules!

Whose daring deeds are great theater?

Hercules

Is he bold?

No one braver

Is he sweet

Our favorite flavor

Hercules, Hercules,

Hercules, Hercules

Hercules, Hercules

 

Bless my soul

Herc was on a roll

Undefeated

Riding high

And the nicest guy

not conceited

 

He was a nothin'

A zero, zero

Now he's a hot shot

He's a hero

 

He hit the heights at breakneck speed

From zero to hero

Herc is a hero

Now he's a hero

Yes indeed!

​

​